迟了。。。

我的那个迟了。迟了快要两个星期了。不知道是一件好事还是坏事。我不敢去检验，因为我害怕。他最后一次检验是否有没有精子是在十一月二号。检验结果还是没有精子。所以我觉得应该不可能是怀孕了。可是为什么我的那个会迟了那么久呢？感觉有点怪怪的。我记得我的老板曾经说过可能我会在十一月怀孕。他有时说的东西是蛮准的。应该去检验吗？还是我的身体出现问题了？还是上帝真的赐予我们奇迹？

不属于我的东西

当其他人都在兴高采烈地迎接他们的小生命的时候，又有谁会记得我们这些只能在一旁暗自伤心的人呢？如果他们没有亲身经历这样的事情，他们是永远都不会了解那是一种什么样的感受。我又有谁能倾诉呢？

每天在面书上看见朋友上载他们的小孩子的状况，我真的好羡慕哦！我也希望有一天我也能和他们一样在面书上载我可爱的小宝贝给大家看。可是我会有这一天吗？

我的小宝贝，我好想拥有你！你能不能来到妈妈身边呢？

Insensitivity

I think my boss is very insensitive towards my plight, despite him knowing my situation. I have a colleague who was pregnant and all he did was to talk to her about child-bearing stuff because his wife had recently given birth to a baby girl. They were always happily talking out loud in the office about all these stuff and totally disregard my feelings. Though I appeared normally, it doesn't mean I don't feel the hurt at all.

Worse still, now that the colleague had given birth, my boss wanted us to share to send a gift to her and he actually asked me to be in charge! I had to order the diaper cake gift and collect it from my friend. How insensitive can he be! 

Doesn't he know that every word that is pertaining to child-bearing is a torturous feeling for me? Doesn't he know that every gift that is pertaining to child-bearing just remind me of the brutal fact that I can't bear my own child?

I wish I could just leave this country and relocate elsewhere for the time being. To be as far away from people whom I'm familiar with because they only remind me of the painful thoughts of this child-bearing episode.

我只是想要个孩子！

我一直都很憧憬着有一天我会和我心爱的人组织属于我们自己的小家庭。我也一直很憧憬着有自己的小孩。我很想看一看小孩长得像不像我。忙了大半天，原来这些憧憬都是一场空。我很有可能永远都不会有自己的小孩。

我只是想要个自己怀胎十月生出来的孩子，为什么那么难？难道我会是一个不负责任的妈妈吗？接下来的日子，我不知道我要如何去面对这样的我？我只能停留在现阶段而继续生活。我失去了我人生的一大重心。我要如何推动我自己向前走而且活得比其他人更精彩呢？我这一生就真的无法体会做妈妈的感受吗？

我好累！我能不能就自私地只为自己着想，和他离婚然后再找另一个男生结婚生子呢？反正他对于有没有小孩都无所谓。

其他人根本没有办法体会我的感受。就算他们知道我的状况，平时也毫不忌讳地在我面前大谈他们的孩子经。每听一次，我就好难受！有时真的很不想去上班，为了就是不想听到他们老是讲一些有的没的。

我很想逃离这个城市。我快透不过气来了。

Letter #6 to Baby Darling

Dearest Baby Darling,

daddy and mummy had started seeing the TCM doctor and we have been following her instructions, brewed the Chinese medicine and drank it religiously. 

Daddy had also seen Prof Chia, an urologist at TTSH and he had ordered 3 tests (MRI, ultrasound and sperm test) for daddy. Daddy will be doing MRI and ultrasound next Tuesday and the sperm test in November. You must really bless daddy with flying colours results, okay? Be there for daddy! Lord, we also ask for your kind blessing on us that Prof Chia will be able to conclude excellent results for us! In your most precious name, we pray. Amen!

We had also seen Prof Wong in NUH. Prof Wong is a very nice doctor. He sat us down and provided some directions for us. In the event that we need to use donor sperm, we can choose to queue but we will have to wait for 10 years. To do the shortcut way, then we need to a sperm donor so that it's a 1 to 1 exchange. Lastly, we can source for donor sperm in foreign sperm banks but we need to import them ourselves. NUH will not be responsible for that.

We also explored the option of using your uncle's as a donor. But NUH said it's illegal and now we are confused as we all along thought that it is possible according to CARE.

Baby Darling, please come to us soon!

Letter #5 to Baby Darling

Dearest Baby Darling,

daddy and mummy went to Bangkok at the beginning of this month. 

There was this day when we wanted to go to the Erawan Shrine and there was this local who was very friendly and managed to get us to get on a tuk tuk for THB30 to go to Erawan Shrine and Lucky Temple. 

You know, Baby Darling, mummy is a Catholic but in hope to have you, I actually prayed to the four-faced buddha as I have heard that the Buddha is very good at answering people's prayers. I know I have sinned against God and I ask God for forgiveness.

Later on we went to Lucky Temple where we met 3 different people who kept talking to us about Feng Shui. A man who claimed that he is a master was able to pinpoint what our problem is. We were very shocked because we had not told anyone in Bangkok. He actually told us that we will have children and it won't take more than two years. Upon hearing that, mummy teared. Mummy really thought we had really met someone who understands our situation and is able to help us. Little did we expect that this whole thing was actually a conman act. Well another hope crashed!

We are going to see Prof Wong at NUH this coming Thursday. We hope to hear some positive things from him.

Letter #4 to Baby Darling

Dearest Baby Darling,

Sometimes mummy feels that I am alone in this journey to have you. Daddy doesn't seem to care much about us. Mummy is getting tired and sick of daddy's unreasonable fuss. Sometimes mummy wonders if it is a blessing in disguise that we do not have you so that you won't get to see and experience all these roller coaster rides with us. 

Mummy would really love to have you but sometimes I wonder since daddy is the one having problem and yet he is having such a fuck care attitude, why I should go through all the things, which require me to go through operations that I really dread having.

Today is your Aunt Jun's baby girl's full month celebration. Mummy is supposed to attend but I did not go. I am afraid that your other uncles and aunts will start asking me when I would like to have you. I am afraid that I will not be able to control my emotions with the fact that I can't have you because of daddy's condition.

Your maternal grandma said this is mummy's life that I can't have you. Do I really want to accept this as my destiny? I have always dreamt to have you and your 3 other siblings. This is just far too much for me to accept.

Last Friday we went to see a TCM doctor, who is recommended by a lot of people in the forum. Upon hearing daddy's condition, she expressed that she would not be able to help and ultimately daddy still needs to go back to see a urologist for his problem. Well another hope crashed!

If we are not going to do anything to have you, mummy feels that my life will be very empty. But how can we have you? So far nobody can really guide us to doing that.

Letter #3 to Baby Darling

Dearest Baby Darling,

last night, daddy and mummy had a long discussion again regarding how to have you. We just want to be fully prepared, mentally and physically. 

This time round, we thought of using daddy's brother's and that is your uncle's soldiers. It might sound crazy but at least we know who the donor is, it carries on the bloodline, you may look like daddy and it totally eliminates the possibility of incest. 

The incest thing is mummy's utmost concern for you. We are not saying that we are not going to use daddy's soldiers but in the event that we can't find any soldier in daddy, we need a backup plan and the plan is to use a donor. Who is going to be the donor? Someone whom we know or someone whom we don't know?

The pro of using someone whom we dont know is we will never know who the person is. The con is we will also never know how many children he has and the possibility of incest is there. 

The pros of using someone whom we know are we know who the person is, it carries on the bloodline, you may look like daddy and it totally eliminates the possibility of incest. 

Baby Darling, daddy and mummy wants you. Please come to us real soon!

Taking Some Time Off

After brooding over our fertility issue for about a month, I decide to take some time off this issue. 

I still want to love myself like how I used to - do the things that I like, pamper myself with things that I like. 

Yes and one of my obsessions is I want my skin condition to be always better. Since age of 12, I have always been struggling with skin problem, with pimples and acnes breaking out almost every other day. I became very self conscious and often wondered if others were looking at my face. Hence, that explains my obsession of always on the hunt for better facial products for my face. 

I have been going for facial treatments as early as when I was 19. I had been to skin doctor and had been put on pills to control the oiliness of my skin. Yes I had spent bombs of money on my face. If I ever have the money to do a resurface of my skin, I would definitely do it. *Note: It's not renewal, not rejuvenation.* 

Whatever things that I can do for my face, I would do it.

I always go to Bella Skincare for my facial treatments and I also use their facial products. I'm quite a happy user of their products until one fine day, they decided to stop one of their products that I have always been using. They tried finding replacement products for that product that I have been using but every product that they recommended was very short term. They always have new products to replace the current ones that I am using, which my skin needs to take some time to adjust to the change. This was quite frustrating.

Recently, I decided to try out SK-II after hearing people talking about how good the treatment essence water is. I decided to buy a full range - the gentle facial cleanser, the treatment lotion, the treatment essence, the repair c serum, the signature moisturiser. After using the range for almost a month, I can really see the difference SK-II performs on my skin. It's more radiant, supple and hydrated now. Somehow my skin feels less oily. The salesgirl gave me two bb cream samples from Lioele to try. To my surprise, I totally love the two bb creams.

Letter #2 to Baby Darling

Dearest Baby Darling,

now daddy and mummy decide to take things one step at a time. We have not really decided if we want to go ahead to have you through IVF with other soldiers, should doctor not able to find any surviving soldiers in daddy. 

We heard TCM sometimes can help treat daddy's condition. We are going to give it a try. At the same time, we are going to see Prof Wong at NUH for a second opinion for daddy's condition and also to check mummy to make sure mummy is okay. 

Baby Darling, daddy and mummy are really doing our best to have you. Can you help us, please? 

Letter #1 to Baby Darling

Dearest Baby Darling,

when daddy and mummy found out on 10 August that we might not be able to have you to even be conceived in mummy's womb, we were very devastated! We have been hoping that you can come to be with us soon. For the past seven months when we were trying to have you, though at times it could be stressful for us, we still tried our best.

Baby Darling, we don't know why daddy's troops of soldiers had died off and they are one important factor to have you conceived in mummy's womb. It seems that they are badly hurt according to the doctor.

Doctor told daddy and mummy that in order to have you, it is impossible to conceive you naturally. We have to go through IVF. Since daddy has no soldiers to fight the battle based on the tests that they had checked on him, doctor suggested the chances of finding surviving soldiers can be quite slim too. Even if we go through IVF to have you, mummy could be using another soldier from another person. 

Baby Darling, daddy and mummy really love you a lot and really want you to come to our world. Mummy doesn't really wish to conceive you with other soldiers. Mummy wants to conceive you with daddy's soldiers. Mummy doesn't mind going through IVF to have you as long as mummy knows mummy can conceive you with daddy's soldiers. 

Baby Darling, we don't know where you are now but we believe you are with God. Will you come to us soon? 

Dearest God, 

We know you have plans for us but God, we just want to be normal, just like any other people, to move into parenthood after marriage. Children are gifts from you. We hope we can receive such gifts from you too. If we had sinned in the past to deserve this now, God we ask for your forgiveness. In your precious name, Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen.

Dearest Mother of God,

pray for us that we will be blessed by God and have our own children very soon.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you

Blessed are you among women, blessed is the fruit of womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.